


Futari deaeta akashi kimi to dakara sou omoueru (Even though we'll have regrets, they'll be proof we were together)

by vogue91



Category: Japanese Actor RPF, Johnny's Entertainment, NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 05:24:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14157735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “No, Toma, I didn’t want to make you feel guilty, and I’m sorry that’s how you’ve seen it. That’s... that’s just my way of saying goodbye.”





	Futari deaeta akashi kimi to dakara sou omoueru (Even though we'll have regrets, they'll be proof we were together)

**Author's Note:**

> All the lyrics, as well as the title, are from "Loveless", so the fic is set around 2011.   
> Writing this killed me.

_Hodoita te wa tsumetaku naru_

_~_

_[Our hands are colder since we’ve split.]_

Ikuta was mad with rage.

That morning he had turned on the TV, sitting at the table to have breakfast.

He had started skipping from a channel to the other, distractedly, when on the screen he had suddenly seen Yamashita’s face.

He had told himself he shouldn’t watch, that he didn’t feel like it, but in the end he had put down the remote, sighed and kept watching.

Pi was advertising his new single, and he had listened carefully to the lyrics.

Before he could realize it, he had stopped eating and had started torturing his lips with his teeth, until he felt the metallic taste of blood in his mouth.

Then he had turned off the TV and thrown the remote on the floor, sure he had broken it.

He had stood up, quick, and got out directed to Yamashita’s home.

He couldn’t believe it.

He had listened to it just once, and yet the lyrics of that song kept obsessing him, and had no intention to go away.

_I can’t find the words to keep you close to me._

He shouldn’t have thought about it. He shouldn’t have gotten out of his house.

He shouldn’t have gone to him.

It was a provocation, and he knew that. He knew that those words were addressed to him, and his pride didn’t allow him to ignore them.

The anger, still, was too much for him to pretend like nothing had happened.

There were too many words speaking of them, and none that Tomohisa had ever told him face to face.

He kept walking down that road of which he knew all the small details.

That leading to the house of the man that, up until a few weeks before, had been his boyfriend.

 

~

 

_“Arguing will lead us nowhere Toma, you know that right?” Yamashita had told him, his face dead serious._

_The elder had stared at him, as if he was seeing him for the first time._

_They had been known each other for thirteen years, yet he had never looked so... surrendered._

_“And what would you have me do? Do you want me to leave? To give up on everything we’ve been through up until now just because we’re tired of going on, because you don’t have the balls to say first that it’s enough?” he had asked, his rage blending with his desire to cry._

_Tomohisa had looked at him, but it was like he couldn’t really see him._

_Then he had looked down to the floor and had nodded, so quickly it didn’t even seem real._

_“Do you love me the same way you did when we first got together, Toma?” he had asked, hoarse._

_The other man had bit down on his lip, clenching his fist hard._

_He wanted to answer. He wanted to tell him that nothing had changed for him._

_And, after all, it was true, a little. The love he felt was still unchanged._

_The shell of that love and its form, those weren’t the same anymore._

_The years had worn their relationship down, leading them to the point of no return, until all of a sudden they had looked at each other and hadn’t been able to find a reason to be together anymore._

_“Are you breaking up with me, Tomohisa?” he had asked, his voice more firm that he was expecting._

_The younger had sighed, then he had shaken his head._

_“I don’t know if I am. I just know that... it’s not working. I’m not making this up, I’m not a visionary. You can see it too, can’t you?” he had asked, hiding an accusation inside the question._

_Toma had gotten closer, brushing his arm._

_“Pi, please... there’s got to be something we can do. It can’t be over like this. It’s not fair for all the years we’ve spent together. It’s not fair, because in the end we love each other.” he had paused, taking his face in his hand and raising it until he was able to look him in the eyes. “Or is this the problem? That you don’t love me anymore?” he knew he wasn’t ready for that answer, that he was never going to be. But keep his certainties, if they were fake, was going to make him feel even worse._

_Yamashita had looked at him, without blinking. There was sadness in his eyes, but Toma couldn’t say why, exactly._

_“The problem is that I still love you. And I know that if we go on like this, if we fight over trivialities, if we act like strangers, sooner or later I’m going to be able to stop loving you for real. And I don’t want that.”_

_Toma felt the sudden need to hurt him._

_Maybe what he was saying made sense, maybe it didn’t._

_He just knew that at this point all they could do was split, slowly, and finding out if they could’ve managed to live without each other, or if they would’ve come to the conclusion that, after all, the love they felt was enough to go on._

~

 

When Toma had arrived at Tomohisa’s door he hadn’t hesitated for a moment before ringing the bell.

He had waited a minute or two, and was about to ring again, when he finally heard the lock click and the door opened.

When Yamashita saw him, his eyes opened wide.

“To-Toma.” he murmured, surprised. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

The elder stepped inside the apartment.

He took off his shoes and went to the living room, followed by the other who kept looking at him, confused.

“I truly believe we have to talk, Tomohisa.” he said, the most cold voice he could manage.

He wasn’t surprised at the doubtful expression on the younger’s face. The last time they had talked, Toma had said clearly that he didn’t want to hear from him, unless things were going to be made clear between them.

Finding him at his door must’ve caught him off guard, but the elder didn’t care.

What was he expecting, after all?

Wasn’t this what he wanted? Didn’t he want for the lyrics of that song to send him message, that he understood that, that he knew it was addressed to him?

Now Ikuta was in front of him, and he couldn’t run.

_I’m sorry. Don’t cry._

The more he thought about the lyrics, the more the rage grew.

And the more the rage grew, the more he hoped it would last, because he knew that once that would’ve gone he was going to be forced to assimilate the meaning of those words.

And he knew already he wasn’t going to like it.

“What is it, Toma? I... I didn’t think you would come. I...” Yamashita started, but the other man interrupted him.

“I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, Pi. I’ve turned the TV on and I’ve heard your new single.” he saw the other blush and look at the floor. “I suppose that ‘Loveless’ was meant to make me feel guilty, right?” he asked, sharp.

He felt his breath accelerate, and right then he couldn’t tell why.

Then while he looked at Tomo, who kept his eyes low and seemed to be thinking about an adequate answer, he realized that: he was afraid.

He was afraid of that answer, like he had been of the fact that he may not have liked the other’s words. As if they could make him feel even worse than he had the past few weeks.

He bit his lip, waiting.

When Yamapi looked at him, he held his breath.

“No, Toma, I didn’t want to make you feel guilty, and I’m sorry that’s how you’ve seen it. That’s... that’s just my way of saying goodbye.” he murmured, his voice so low that Toma could barely hear him.

And he wished he hadn’t.

It was true, they were broken up.

But the thought that had accompanied him during those weeks, the idea that it was a break and it wasn’t over, hurt even more than the word ‘goodbye’.

After all, he had written it even at the end of the damn song.

_Saying goodbye. This is the end._

Anger was gone. And Toma’s fear had suddenly turned into a nightmare.

 

~

 

_Ikuta took his phone, looking distractedly at the display._

_When he saw Yamashita’s name he bit his lip._

_He let it ring._

_Since the last time they had seen each other, since that time he had gone out of his apartment and never set foot back, he didn’t want to hear what he had to say. As impossible as it was to hope that, he wished he could’ve also avoided thinking about him, but it was something he had given up on almost immediately._

_He looked again at the display, still on._

_He didn’t give in._

_He sighed, brushing over the answer button._

_What would’ve changed, after all?_

_He was going to say what he had to. He was going to listen, without feeling obliged to reply._

_It couldn’t be worse than be afraid of the phone ringing, with the constant thought of what he would’ve actually said, if he had answered._

_With little confidence, he pressed the button, bringing the phone to his ear._

_He regretted it immediately._

_“Yes?” he said, neutral._

_On the other side there was silence, and he wondered if Tomohisa hadn’t started calling him out of  habit, more than a sincere hope Toma was going to pick up._

_“Toma! Hi, I... I’ve been trying to call these past few days but...”_

_“Yes, I know. I’ve seen the calls. What is it?” he asked, cold._

_Another pause._

_“Nothing. I just wanted to hear you. I... I missed your voice.” Tomohisa replied, in a whisper, and Ikuta felt a sharp pain in his chest, feeling all the ice melting._

_He breathed deeply._

_“I’ve missed your voice too, Tomohisa. It’s just that... all in all, I didn’t know if I felt like hearing it.” he said, calm._

_“How are you?” the younger asked, and he could hear the clear concern in his voice._

_How did he think he was? That he had made his peace with the break up and had gone on as if nothing had happened? As if the years spent together suddenly meant nothing?_

_“I’ve been better.” he said, clenching his teeth. Then he hesitated. “How about you?”_

_“Bad.” the other replied, and Toma could perfectly imagine him, his phone held tight in his fingers, his eyes low and his face suddenly red for the spontaneous admission._

_In another circumstance, he would’ve laughed._

_“Did… did you think about what’s happened?” he asked, anxious._

_“Yes, I did. But... I didn’t change my mind. Until we find a solution to our problems, I don’t want to risk to screw everything up just because...” he heard him sigh. “Because I can’t keep away from you.”_

_Toma cursed him._

_In that moment, he almost felt like he hated him._

_Because he was always convinced he was the only one to suffer, because he thought he loved Toma more than Toma loved him, because he always thought his solutions were the best ones._

_This arrogance, and the fact that Toma had never said to him how much he hated it, were part of the strain they had suffered, he was sure of it._

_“So, what do you want to do?” he asked, suddenly irritated. “Tomohisa... why did you call? If you did it to make me feel worse than I already do, you could’ve spared it.” he attacked him, clenching his teeth._

_“I don’t want to make you feel bad. I mean, I_ know _you feel bad, like I do. I’ve called you because I missed you, that’s all.” he said, defensive._

_Ikuta wanted to hang up on him._

_He took one or two deep breaths, then he started talking again._

_“I miss you too, Tomohisa. But... I don’t want us to talk again until we won’t come up with a solution to our problems, until we won’t understand if we want to go on or...” he didn’t complete the sentence. “Hearing you and knowing that nothing’s changed is too much. I can’t do it.” he said, feeling dangerously close to tears._

_It took Yamashita a few seconds to answer._

_“Alright. Then I won’t call again.” he murmured. “I’m sorry, Toma. I hope... I hope I’ll talk to you soon.”_

_“I hope so too, Pi.” he said, resigned._

_“Bye, Toma.”_

_Then he hung up, and Ikuta collapsed on the couch, feeling tired all of a sudden._

_He didn’t ask for much._

_Just to understand what he felt for him, and find a definitive solution._

_Staying like that, hanging, was going to slowly kill him._

~

 

“Am I not worth it a face to face goodbye?” he murmured to the younger.

Without him noticing, tears had started falling down his face.

He didn’t bother drying nor hiding them.

What was the point?

Why should he keep pretending he wasn’t suffering, when it was obvious?

He looked at him, intensely, while Tomohisa kept his eyes low and didn’t answer.

“Yamashita, I’ve asked you a question.” he said, calmer, and perhaps it was that to convince him the other to look up.

“It’s not that. I’ve thought about calling you. I’ve thought about coming to you, I’ve thought about it every waking hour of these weeks. But I couldn’t. Then... I’ve just started writing, and the words came alone. I didn’t want to...” he swallowed, getting closer. “I didn’t want it to be over like this. I didn’t think about how you were going to react and I’m sorry, I truly am.”

Toma didn’t doubt he was sorry.

He knew he didn’t want to make him suffer more than necessary.

He knew that it was likely that impulsiveness had played a trick on him.

But it didn’t change the way he felt, and didn’t take out of his mind the oppressing thought that they were saying goodbye.

“So this is your answer?” he asked, while the pain in his chest was now uninterrupted, so much that he was having troubles breathing.

Yamapi hesitated for a few seconds, then nodded.

“I’ve thought about it. I told you, I really wished to talk to you but... I didn’t know what I was going to say to you, I didn’t know if I would’ve actually been able to tell you anything at all. I’ve felt...” he smiled, ironic, imperceptibly. “I’ve felt so damn alone, and during all this time all I could think was that I wanted you here, that I wanted to come home at night and finding you here waiting for me, that I wanted to hug you, touch you... to feel you close.” he took a breath.  “Then I’ve thought about the last year we’ve spent together. We’ve become strangers, Toma. You’ve got your life and I’ve got mine, and they’re parallel. I’ve tried to understand what’s happened to us, I really did, but...” his voice shivered and he cleared his throat. “I couldn’t. I don’t know how we’ve come to this, I just know that I don’t want to keep living with you or being close to you if it means loving you a little less every day.”

Toma had listened to him.

It was damn sad, but whilst he talked he couldn’t help but thinking that what he was saying was similar to what he felt.

He was right.

During the years they had turned into something that didn’t have the freshness of when they had first gotten together. Their relationship had become unhealthy, and it was too worn out to hope to fix it.

“Tomohisa, I... I wish I could tell you this is the best solution, but...” the silent tears from before had become sobs, and he fell on his knees, as if his legs couldn’t keep him up anymore.

Instinctively, the younger got closer, hugging him and resting his forehead against his.

They stayed like that, while Toma felt his tears mixing with Tomo’s, while he was shaken by sobs as well.

It made no sense.

He had always thought that people broke up because love faded, because all of a sudden it ended, because one started to hate the person with whom they had shared so much.

Why did a relationship had to end when love instead had survived?

Why did he still have to love him? Why did he have to suffer, when he could’ve told him that together they could’ve found a solution, that it couldn’t, it _shouldn’t_ end this way?

Just, he couldn’t say it to him.

Because he knew that sooner or later they were going to end up there again, because he knew he couldn’t stand this one more time.

Because he knew that together they had gone through everything, they had been left unharmed by pain, separation, misunderstandings, and it had convinced him that nothing was ever going to destroy them.

They had spent too much time together, so much that Toma felt that without Tomohisa he would’ve felt like he was missing a part of himself.

Those were all the reasons why he wanted to stay there, being held by his arms.

Even cry, but together.

And still, it wasn’t enough.

 

~

 

_Three weeks._

_As promised, Yamashita hadn’t called._

_He missed him terribly._

_During the day he happened to do something that reminded him of the younger, he happened to think distractedly about things he wanted to tell him, before remembering he couldn’t._

_He came back home every night, went to bed, if he managed to do so he slept, and thought about how much time had passed since the last time he had gone to bed without truly desiring it._

_He stared at the empty mattress next to him and felt suddenly incredibly cold._

_He kept repeating himself it wouldn’t last, that it was all about routine and that Tomohisa’s presence was too rooted in his life for the marks he had left on him to disappear so quickly._

_He kept repeating himself that, yet he hadn’t started believing it._

_His life had always been with him._

_Without him, nothing really made sense._

~

 

When he got up, the sobs had stopped.

He had watched Yamashita, waiting for him to stand, which he hadn’t done.

“I’ve had my goodbye.” he murmured, going to the door, his legs shaky.

The other didn’t stop him.

Just, when he was on the doorstep, he heard him move.

He was in front of him, breathless, and leant a hand over the wall, as if he needed it to stay up.

“Toma...” he murmured, but then kept quiet.

The elder wanted to hug him again.

And he got close, in fact. When he was a few inches from him, though, he just brought a hand behind his head and leant over, kissing lightly his lips.

“You’ve had your goodbye as well.” he whispered.

“I love you, Toma.”

The pain in his chest stopped.

Had it been possible, he would’ve said his heart had stopped altogether.

He looked at him one last time, before getting out of that house, trying to repress the thought that it was probably the last time he did that.

He couldn’t feel a thing.

There was no pain anymore, no tears.

Just an incredible, immense void, interrupted by the word goodbye echoing in his mind.

It was never going to abandon him.

Just like the thought of Yamashita, of what they had been, of their love when it still was able to make them happy.

Perhaps he would’ve fallen in love again, but nothing was ever going to be like what he had felt, even now, and was going to always feel for him.

He forced himself to go, while in his mind resurfaced slowly Tomohisa’s words, his song, his goodbye.

_The memories that have piled up, before they become painful, let’s give ourselves one last smile and say goodbye._

But the memories were already pain.

He walked through the streets of Tokyo, incapable of sensing anything around him, and then he stopped, a sudden realization coming to him.

It was truly over.


End file.
